


The Young Doctor's Journal

by Raven_is_blue



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Doctor Armitage Hux, Gen, Not Canon Compliant, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-19
Updated: 2018-09-19
Packaged: 2019-07-14 07:14:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16035563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raven_is_blue/pseuds/Raven_is_blue
Summary: He had his life figured out. He had a dream job, he had a few friends, he was settled. But life is a chain of events and even the smallest one can break this chain.Now he starts anew.





	The Young Doctor's Journal

**Author's Note:**

> There will be no romantic interests for Hux, not now. He needs to fix his life and that's what this story is about.  
> There will be Ben Solo (Kylo Ren) and Rey relationship later, maybe some minor things, but mostly as a background for Armitage's life and thoughts.  
> I will be adding tags with new chapters. 
> 
> Lots of love for [Akashne](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akashne), cause she made me write this! And she's the best Alfa ever. :)  
> More and more love with every word for [Erulisse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Erulisse17), the Goddess of Betaing. Without her, I would be stumbling over words and it will be a disaster.
> 
> Beautiful portrait of Doctor Hux created beautiful [Dark London](https://dark-london.tumblr.com/). I'm in awe and in love. Thank you!

_Beautiful cover by Akashne_  
  


***

 

"Doctor Hux." An older man greeted Armitage. "Please, come in. Everyone is already waiting."

The man’s blue eyes could be described as 'cold', but he was only ever a consummate professional, precise and efficient with his words and his time. He was frequently hired for it. Unbiased and impartial parties willing to deliver bad news were in high demand. Armitage walked into the room, feigning confidence, and sat on the chair closest to the door. A large, round table filled the room almost completely, sparing a little place for chairs and microphone stands. Their backs to the huge windows, three men and one woman sat at the other side of the table, watching Armitage carefully.

"Doctor Hux, I presume you are aware as to why we all are here?" The blue-eyed man asked. His voice was flat, monotone and, frankly, boring.

Hux looked at him. "I presume that we are here because the Council," ' _finally_ ' he added in his own mind, "decided to acknowledge the results of the investigation and exonerate me." He needed all his strength and all his hard-earned experience with people to not sneer at them. "I would say that it's long overdue."

"Yes, Doctor Hux. It would seem so." The blue-eyed man was the only one to speak. "However, there is still an issue with the hospital’s reputation."

"What about it?"

"The Council decided that we, as a hospital, can not be associated with a scandal such as yours." So, they had decided to fire him. Hux wasn't surprised, he just couldn't understand why they feel the need to wait until the end to do it. He was restless and antsy during his forced leave while the investigation was underway. If they had decided earlier, everything would have been much easier for all parties.

"You are a skilled surgeon, Doctor Hux." Now the man tried to appear as a solicitous grandfather, only caring about his grandson’s wellbeing. "But maybe it's time for you to try something new? Face some new challenges? Find a new purpose?"

"For the last five years," Hux kept reins of his emotions in steel hands, "I was your prized possession. You gave me all the important cases and all the socially gratifying ones. And now I'm just fired? What about my soldiers?"

What he really wanted to ask was - what about Larma, his nurse, was she also fired? What about Dr. Goode, the anesthesiologist? And the rest of his team? - but instead, he asked about his pet project. He needed to know that this one thing will not be erased.

"Your soldiers?" The blue-eyed man asked, perplexed.

"Don't you know? My soldiers, my project, my programme. I worked with the army for years. Fixing, healing soldiers wounded during service." Armitage needed to know that this project will be continued and the only way he know was give it up to the First Order. "Amputations and high-tech prosthesis. Cosmetic surgeries, removing the scar tissue, burn treatment. THAT project."

"I can assure you that project is not yours anymore, Doctor Hux."

"I see." So they will continue this. He could sigh with relief.

"But, back to business. We need you to sign these papers, collect your paycheck, and leave the premises."

Hux was already standing up. "Of course."

He signed every single document, leaving his perfectly printed signature on each of the uniformed lines. No squiggles or flourishes, just black lines on white paper. He took his paycheck, nodded to the silent council, and left the room. He wanted nothing more than to sit down right there, on the marble floor, back to the warm wooden door, hands over knees, but it was a weakness he couldn't afford. He squared his shoulders and walked towards the room that was once his office.

A petite girl with long black hair and skin that seemed to drink in the light almost jumped when she saw him.

"Doctor Hux!" She greeted him with a big grin on her face. "You ARE back! We were so worried."

"I'm..." He hesitated. Korr Sella was his secretary for past year and she was a ray of sunshine. He had no idea how to tell her the truth without breaking her heart. "I'm sorry, Korrie. I'm here just for a few knick-knacks."

"Oh." Her smile dimmed. "We hoped... We had a party planned for you. They can't do this! They just can't!"  

"Korrie, I'm sorry, but..." He had no idea what to do with girl who tried to hide in his arms. "I'm sorry."

She sobbed in his arms and he thought that it was the end. He had... friends here. And now he was going to lose it all. The only thing he still had was his pride.

"Miss Sella, your behavior is inappropriate. Please, Miss Sella." His voice was steady, cool, and even. He handed Korr his handkerchief and watched her fix her hair and makeup.

Once she was finished, Armitage smiled a little at seeing her steady and cheerful again. Even if this cheerfulness was a little hollow.

He looked around his former office: light blue walls, mahogany furniture, rich midnight blue carpet, bookshelves full of leather-bound tomes. It was so generic. He sighed and started gathering the things he still had here.

A photo with 'his' soldiers. A mug with obnoxiously blue and yellow letters warning that it belonged to ‘Doc Hugz’ . Little figurines, porcelain and clay ones. A few diplomas and medical journals he had forgotten to collect before.

Too many things. And yet, so few. He looked at his hands as he held his gathered things and called, "Miss Sella. Could you find me a box?"

It was a small box and yet it wasn't full. So many things and his box was still empty.

Armitage awkwardly patted Korrie on the shoulder as a goodbye and walked to the elevator, through the garage, and finally to his stupid sports car. He felt ridiculous in his expensive suit with a small box in his arms.

He couldn't think like that. Not now. Not here. Just a few steps more, only a few steps. He sat in his car for a moment, staring at this ridiculous box sitting in passenger seat. Shaking himself from his stupor, he started the car and peeled out of the hospital’s garage.

 

 

The next few days were a blur.

He knew that some would call him 'depressed', but he knew that he was only taking a short vacation in Pity City, population: 1. Maybe a little melancholy added on top. He got fired, even if he got through the investigation, and now he was a workaholic without work and he had only a very vague idea what to do with all this freedom.

So he woke up in the mornings, fed Millicent - she was a goddess after all, and a hungry goddess was a menace - got some whiskey for himself and lazed about all day, watching reruns of Oprah and Dr. Phil. He started recognizing most of the delivery boys and he was running an internal bet for when they would start looking at him with pity.

Yes, he checked his phone and emails regularly. But, aside from lots of ‘I'm sorry’s, and ‘Do you have any plan now?’s, and ‘I have a good lawyer, let me know’s, there was nothing interesting.  He also had a small voice in his head that sometimes shouted at him "It's your fault" or "They all hate you", and he worked his ass off not to listen to it, but in Pity City it had a county-wide megaphone. So he never returned any of the calls or texts.

But he was getting tired of this forced vacation and he started to feel an overwhelming need to do something, to move, to be somewhere. Anywhere but here.

So finally he got up from the couch, went to the bathroom and... oh, he had a beard. A few days of wallowing and he had a beard.

A full beard too, not silly half assed overgrown stubble, but a real beard!

It wasn’t bad, really.

Millicent liked to nip at it, sometimes.

Armitage looked in the mirror for a long moment. Shaping this beard of his with fingers and water. Then he got himself a pair of scissors. Snip, snip, snip. Shaped, although not very even, this beard of his looked really, really nice.

If it wasn’t a detriment to job hunting, he would be tempted to leave it. Well. One day he would have a beard and nobody would stop him. With regret, he shaved his lovely beard off, leaving only his mustache.

And he laughed. For the first time past few months, he really, truly laughed. Then he snapped a quick mustached selfie and finished shaving.

Now he looked as himself again. A young doctor. Professional.

Shame. It was a nice beard.

 

***

  
  
Just as he thought - his mail was as empty as the end of the universe. Not even one job offer. Not a single one. Nobody trying to buy him, to hire him. Armitage knew that it wouldn't be that easy but really, he knew his value.

He came first in his class. He was a valedictorian in the Imperial Medical Academy, damn it. He was a prodigy and had earned his reputation for "the most skilled fingers in the business". He wasn't just a surgeon. He was _the_ surgeon. Without inane and false humility, he simply knew what his worth was. And that it was a lot.

And yet, his mail was empty.

If only the FO had fired him earlier, during or even before the investigation… But no, they just hinted that he was tainted, somehow. That maybe there was something wrong with his exoneration after all.

It wasn't something that would deter him. He just needed to take things into his own hands. He opened a new document and froze. He had no idea what to do. Yes, rationally he knew that he lived in privilege, heavily backed by his father’s acquaintances, a web of favors and boons. But he never really felt it. Till now. Without this support and backup? He had no idea what to do. For a few minutes he stared at an empty file, then he decided. He needed help. Setting a laptop on the table, he reached for his phone and wallet. He took a little white cardboard, printed with emerald green letters and fancy one-lettered monogram.

He hesitated. But he couldn’t think of anything better.

"Doctor Hux!" Korr's voice was so full of enthusiasm, that he stopped feeling like an intruder.

"Miss Sella, no, Korrie." He greeted her, then, before he gave himself chance to change his mind, quickly added, "I have a favor to ask of you."

"I would say anything, dear doctor, but I know you. No matter how much you like me, I'll end up cleaning Millicent's litter." Korr's laugh was brilliant and free.

"No. I need... I need a professional CV, maybe some recommendation letters, I have no idea what else." He said quietly, feeling a little embarrassed. "I need a job, and I have never actually looked for one." That was true. As soon as he received his diploma, he was elbow deep in the residency in FO Hospital.

"Ah! Job hunting! And you thought of me?! Doctor Hux, I'm so flattered!" He heard the clicking of the keyboard even as she was shouting to him. "Oh...kay" She sighed. "I can have everything done by tomorrow. Just for you and for a price."

"Name it."

"It's nothing nefarious, Doctor Hugz." He smiled at this ridiculous nickname. "When you get this amazing, better than the best job of your dream, when you get it, you call me and I'll be your secretary again." Even as she was laughing and joking, her voice trembled a little.

"Korrie." He had no idea what say to her. "Is that really what you want?"

"Of course! Of course, it’s what I want. Promise you’ll call me?"

He smiled a little. Her optimism and cheerfulness were contagious. "Yes, Miss Sella, I will call you. And you will be my secretary."

"Yessss! I mean, thank you, Doctor Hux. We'll be in touch." And with quiet click she was gone.

Another day greeted him with Korrie's email.

_I wrote you a CV worthy an Emperor of Knives (now that I type that, it doesn't sound as cool as I planned), got you a mountain of recommendation letters, another mountain of glowing reviews from your patients, and I sent it all literally everywhere._

_You're welcome!_

 

_P.S. Don't forget about me! :)_

 

***

 

Miss Sella has done her magic. Whatever she wrote and sent, it worked. Offers of meetings and promises of jobs started coming.

Not an overflowing river, but a slow, steady trickle.

Armitage was more than grateful. He rejected a few really outrageous ones and set dates for meetings with companies he thought he might like. He felt somewhat accomplished. He had his chances spread before him and he wasn’t forced to involve his father. A small victory, but a victory nonetheless, planning out his own job interviews.

He hated this one, though. It started nice enough. The restaurant wasn't too flashy, too ostentatious, too exclusive. It was just on the right side of being impressive. The interior was full of dark wood, plush velvets, dimmed lights. No shining chrome or crystal candelabras. Waiters were both discreet and attentive. Very classy.

Armitage put on his most indifferent face and his most proper manners, and he prepared himself for at least an hour of bragging and wooing. One thing was for sure - the food was going to be great.

The food was great, indeed. If he had known what was going to follow, he would have ordered Wagyu beef with gold flakes and white truffles. Maybe a Kovaki coffee to boot.

But his salad was crispy and fresh, spiced nicely and bread was hand- and homemade. He played with it for a moment, focusing on the dry voice of his interlocutor.

"We have a great teaching department and our residents can choose from all, even the most experimental, specializations." Rax was trying to lull his vigilance with his sales pitch. “We are currently in crucial negotiations with the army about reinstating your programme."

"I was under impression that you checked all your facts." Armitage said dryly, knowing that it was going to be a very harsh ending to the 'bragging and wooing’ part. "It's not my programme anymore. It's FO’s programme." He sipped his tea and watched Rax's reaction.

He was startled. For a very brief moment.

"I assumed you were acquitted."

"Yes. I'm innocent and the investigators proved it. But I'm not a part of the FO anymore." No emotions, no unnecessary information. Just as he was taught. "But, yes, it would be very fortunate to set up another programme, similar to the one I created for the FO."

Rax didn't waste time and went straight for the jugular.

"And you're not a part of the FO anymore... why exactly?" He asked with an ugly smirk.

"That’s between the FO and I. But, to satisfy your curiosity, I was part of the FO for too long." Memory of blue eyes flashed in his mind. "It's time for new challenges. To try something new. Find some meaning outside of FO structures."

"I would like to say that I believe you, but our board will need a better explanation. For instance, if you were found innocent, then who is responsible for this tragedy? Is it someone from your team? Were they fired as well? Or perhaps the FO Council didn't find your innocence so evident?"

"My innocence is unquestionable." He took the bait. "However, no matter how you word your question, the reason why I left FO are simple - it was time."  He felt irritable and he knew that Rax could tell. His every question, his eyebrows lifted just enough to set his ugly mug into an expression of _'oh, yes, of course'_. But Armitage felt guilty already, even if he knew, without a doubt, that the tragedy that started his and FO’s separation wasn't his fault. Or any of his team members’. Whatever he felt or knew was irrelevant. Gossips and accusations had life on their own.

"Yes, of course." Rax decided on another approach. "I believe you. You are, without  question, one of the best surgeons in the world, a true prodigy. I'm convinced that the Board will see it as well. But you must know that we can't speak with every single patient and assure them of this."

Yes, Armitage could understand it. If that was even true. But it was another attempt to sneak answers out of him.

"And so it seems that we have reached a mutual disagreement." He said, as he took his wallet and left few notes next to his plate. "It would be most interesting to work with you, but it seems like that’s not on the table. Goodbye."

 

***

 

He was tired.

No, he was exhausted. Keeping himself in check, fighting his emotions, smoothing reactions, being the best, the one, the youngest surgeon, valedictorian, the finest, the “your father would be proud of you” son.  Always trying to turn that fucking “would” into “is”. Always failing, failing, falling.

His breath was weak and trembling. Like him. Never his father’s son, always his mother’s child. Weak, like her. Needy, like her. He hated himself for never wanting to be more like her, for his tears to flow freely, for the courage to do what he wanted. He hated himself for ever wanting to be more like him. Proud. Strong. Empty. His fingers clawed at the armrests. He laughed bitterly. Always full of empty gestures, unspoken dreams, always pulling on the leash and begging his owner for scraps.

And he blamed himself. For waiting, for believing. If only…

“Meow!” Millicent was looking at him with a mixture of disdain and adoration. Only cats can look at you like that – like you’re so below them, but they love you nevertheless.

He remembered how he got her.

His father was talking about getting a dog. "Such loyal creatures. Beautiful too. I think that Irish wolfhound? Maybe a Saluki."

 _'Of course, you’d think that. Only the breeds with a discreet whisper of money well spent, advertising wealth and taste to anyone knowledgeable enough to know their worth.'_ Armitage thought with resignation. Right after that dinner, he visited the shelter. Just to look at all these dogs which were not enough for his father. Probably not loyal enough. Only the richest blood, only the highest virtues. And there she was.

A little ball of light copper fur, almost strawberry blonde, silently judging him with her baby blue eyes. And for the first time in his life, he acted on a whim. He lifted this small orange kitten, looked into those intensely blue eyes and fell in love.

He didn't listen to the slightly breathy and agitated girl, who tried talk about responsibility, the cat's needs and everything else regarding ownership. He just signed papers, shoved some bills into the can with bright letters and vanished with Millie in tow. On his way back home, he stopped into a pet store, Millicent riding resentfully in her carrier, and bought everything that the kitten seemed vaguely interested in - toys, bowls, scratchers, and the food deemed acceptable by Millie’s disdainful sniffs.

"Millicent. Come, girl." He whispered. And then she was in his arms, purring loudly. He couldn't hate anything or anybody with her so close. "There is nothing for me here, my darling girl. I waited too long and I missed my opportunity. Maybe he was right, maybe it's time for something new?" He gazed for a long moment into her now hazel eyes. "I need a new plan."

‘A New Plan’ sounded fabulous, but required much more self-searching and effort than Armitage thought.

From the moment his father decided that Armitage will be ‘The Doctor Hux’, he was groomed into his father’s dream. Nothing was more important than this - nothing else had any value. Armitage became a construct of himself, a perfect vessel for other people’s dreams. He had no idea who he could be on his own. Or how.

Now Armitage wanted to explore this possibility. Small acts of rebellion spread through years of obedience, itching to blow into something new, something bigger, something honest. Searching for an inkling of guidance, he took his files and flipped through them. There was a student assessment, written by his advisor years ago:

_Doctor Hux is a brilliant mind and one of my best students. But, aside from his gifts and accomplishments, his bedside manner needs improvement. My recommendation is simple, at least one round in pediatrics and full one year in the internal medicine ward._

Armitage remembered his pediatrics experience. It was an amazing and intriguing time. Mini-humans were honest and had no idea (and no respect for) who his father was. He liked them and they let him have his barriers as they climbed up his walls and jumped straight at his head. But he skipped over Internals, doing the bare minimum and leaping into surgery at every given opportunity.

Maybe... It required talking and interacting with people. But it also would send him as far from his father’s expectations as possible, while still staying in medical field. It couldn't be that hard. Just a simple "good morning, how are you, examination, diagnosis, prescriptions, and goodbye". He could do this.

"What do you think, my darling girl?" He asked Millicent. She had no desire to answer him, busy with grooming her coppery fur. So he decided that she agreed.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I'm beyond being happy that you like this story, that you read it and want to read it. Really. Thank you!   
> But, as I like this story and I will be continuing it and I will finish it, it won't happen now. I'm just not in a good place for writing this story, I just can't write it now.   
> So, if you are willing to wait - thank you and I promise that one day, you'll get more of Doc Hugz. 
> 
>  
> 
> \- Cats, like humans, are born with blue eyes. After 4 - 6 weeks eye color starts to set. That's why Millicent's eye are blue and hazel moments later. 
> 
> \- Irish wolfhound and Saluki are among 10 the most expensive dog breeds in the world. Puppy cost is between 1500 - 2000$ for Irish wolfhound and 2500 - 5000$ for Saluki. 
> 
> \- Beard scene. Really, have you seen DG with beard?! Don't judge me.
> 
> If you like this one - please, leave kudos, maybe comment. It will get me going. :)


End file.
